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  • Madam Jess

Poly Ponderings and Promises

I am constantly *thinking about* writing down the constant stream of ideas that make their way through My brain. It never turns off, My brain. Ever. And the depraved, kinky, erotic, and disturbing are always lurking there along with Lifestyle philosophies and self-reflection. Every time I think to Myself "this would make a great Blog post" before being swept away by the next creative thought. A new personal goal of Mine is to actually make good on My promise to write and post more often.


I intend to write it all, much like I am now. Free flowing and less structured. Read it. Don't. It isn't about you and never was. But I do hope that by sharing I can inspire thought and discussion, acceptance and understanding.


I've written about Poly before and intend an entire category of writing dedicated to it. I am, of course, openly polyamorous and have been since my first Triad in high school. I have several longtime (10+ year) partners and special friends. I'd love everyone if I could. I believe love is infinite that there is no limit to it. Unfortunately, there is a limit on my time and energy. I do sleep sometimes. Occasionally.


And this is where hierarchy comes into play. Who I choose to give My time and energy to has to be prioritized in some way. There are some poly folks out there who turn their noses up at the idea of hierarchies on a philosophical level and it has become a debate of sorts in the community. Their argument is based on equality- equal importance, equal relevance of each individual partner with no one being more important than the other. Ideally, everyone has equal status and stature.


The intent is good. Its a beautiful concept and worthy goal. And utterly unrealistic in practice.


Having been poly for such a long time now, I have experienced a number of poly scenarios from best case to worst. In the best cases, new relationships are welcomed and room is made. The new member does not feel threatened by standing members or vice versa. Everyone's boundaries are respected and each member feels confident in the individual relationship.


Each member understands and consents to their place in the dynamic hierarchy, feels secure, important, and loved in whatever place they hold.


What did She say?


I said hierarchy. Because there will always be one. A new relationship with someone of six months simply doesn't hold the same weight as the person you've been cohabitating with, raising children with, paying bills with (not necessarily married to... but that's another conversation). Likely your FWB or fuck buddy isn't going to get the same degree of attention as your spouse or long-term partner. A play partner can be a hot passionate comet or a steady once a week friendship.


What this does NOT mean is that a new member is treated poorly or threatened with being left out. Resentment and jealousy arise when any member feels that they are in danger of losing their "place". It means the expectations of the relationship are not being met and that parameters are not clear. Hierarchy does NOT mean you are the dirty secret or third wheel or any of the other arguments I've heard. "Secondary" does not equate to "disposable." If that is the case and not what you consented to, then you are in the wrong relationship!


Hierarchy is not stagnant. It often has to be considered on a case by case basis every single time. An old partner from out of town is likely get priority for a weekend visit, but bumped back when they return home for example. Perhaps a partner is going through a tough life change and needs additional support. That partner might temporarily be higher on the hierarchy scale until those issues are resolved. NRE (new relationship energy) often sparks a shift in standing hierarchal structures. People and relationships are ever evolving. Do you stop loving someone because they moved away? Of course not. But you might spend less time with them simply as a matter of logistics.


And if everyone is happy and satisfied? Then who cares what their "place" is? Their place is theirs!


I will never preach the "right way" to do poly or kink. There isn't one. There are only My many years of practical experience and observation to pull from. Philosophical ramblings come often and I'll share them more often I promise! Much like poly relationships, the thoughts are constantly evolving as I learn and grow. Try, make mistakes, fail, try again. Maybe I will one day find the poly utopia of non-hierarchal communal kitchen table practical polyamory. But for now, equality is stagnant and I don't sit still well.






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